ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
