that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
