You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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