it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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