I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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