I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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