fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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