I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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