I CAN MOONWALK!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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