ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Your cock deserves a montage
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
