She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
