I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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