I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
