I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
