mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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