i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
