Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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