At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
