Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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