He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
