I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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