i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
