i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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