Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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