Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize