Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
