I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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