All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm too high and old for this...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
