Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
