So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
