i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
