man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
