I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
