my mouth tastes like poor choices
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
