Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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