Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
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that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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