I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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