***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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