One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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