there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
