Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
