The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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