why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
