We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
