He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
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using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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