life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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