You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
