I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
