the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
