I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
