The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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