Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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