Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
