if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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