There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
