Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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