Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
