this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
