Cold hands, warm shart.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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