My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Do vagina's smell?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
