After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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